Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Some days...

It’s hard.  Gut wrenchingly hard! 

There are days and sometimes weeks that I sludge through the mud pit of life and wonder exactly how much longer it can go on like this.  How can I make it one more day with more things to do than time, less patience than I want to have, and tears that are kept barely below the surface…and not always kept there.

Managing life around medication side effects
Getting to and from work
Surviving and being productive at work
Listening to a second grader read (reminds me of why I only taught second grade one year!)
Playing with Brooklyn when I am exhausted
Arranging rides for Dennis
Taking care of normal things around the house
Making meals – ok, I’ve never been great at this
Swimming lessons
Piano practice
Old dog – wondering when I watch her get around if we will have to make “the decision” soon

You get the idea – very ordinary things but when coupled with watching the person you love more than anything else in this world deal with a horrible cancer, it just floods over me sometimes.  I’m living there right now and it is just plain hard.  I want it over.  I want to wake up tomorrow to life pre-cancer.  To giggles from Dennis and Brooklyn playing together and my most annoying problem is figuring out a way to teach the young dog how to be quiet. 


That is not God’s plan for me right now.  For some reason He is allowing us to walk through this time.  To learn to lean so hard on Him and only Him.  To listen amidst the pain to His voice and learn that He is all I need and that He is walking with me through this. 


I adjust my focus.  Remind myself to concentrate on the blessings that surround me.

A box of goodies that just arrived on my desk that I was not expecting
Giggles at the arcade last night with Brooklyn
Today – we have today and we are together
A job that allows me some flexibility
Friends near and far that help meet our needs – rides, tree trimming, meals, a shoulder to lean on
A new church family that has embraced us

This new normal is not easy but it is part of God’s overall plan for our lives.  We may never understand the WHY but I trust and cling to the One who is in charge of each detail of our lives.


Dennis had the second dose of his new medications today.  Please continue to pray that it is killing every cancer cell.  Also, pray that he handles this round better than the first one.   He really has struggled with the side effects of these new medications. 


  1. Oh Ellen!

    I can really relate with my wife's MS. You never seem to be off duty and the jobs just seem to pile up. I wish I was handling it as well as you with your attitude.

    Make sure you have someone to talk to when you just can't take it anymore. I wish I had someone like that but it is hard to find someone who can see you as you really are and just listen and not want to "Fix" you.

    I am studying the life of Joseph for our men's Bible study. He was sold as a slave
    when he was seventeen and endured 20 years of slavery before he became right hand man to Pharoah. We have only endured a few years and our "slavery" is relatively mild. But God used those hard times to teach him so much about His faithfulness and sovereignty.

    Take care!

  2. Ellen, I'm praying. I don't even know what to say, but that I care and am praying. Praying for strength, complete healing, endurance, steadfastness, faithfulness, and continued dependence on our loving God and Father. You are amazing. Sue