Reality is Hard-But God is Faithful

Day-to-day life rolls on in a very day-to-day way.  Meals need to be made, homework needs to be done, the house needs to be cleaned, the winter fades into spring--life goes on.

At the same time, the emptiness creeps in. In the last week I have felt a loneliness and longing for my soul-mate that is a very day-to-day emptiness. I can't even begin to count the number of times I catch myself thinking about something I want to tell him or ask him about.  And then I remember he is not here to share these very day-to-day parts of my life.

I miss him so much and in so many ways.  I'm often over-whelmed by all there is to do and to carry alone as I walk through these days of adjusting to life without Dennis by my side.

BUT

I'm learning to lean hard on God.  His Word has reminded me over and over again that He is faithful. He is there to comfort and provide the wisdom and guidance my heart longs for.

As much as I miss Dennis, I know God has a purpose for the days ahead.  The Psalmist says:

All the days ordained for me

were written in your book

before one of them came to be.

Psalm 13:16

Dennis' death was not a surprise to God. Before he was ever born his days were planned.  Not only is this true for Dennis, it is true for me as well.

The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; 

your love, O Lord, endures forever--

Psalm 138:6

God has a plan for this season of my life. For the grief and loneliness--there is a purpose.  I trust Him today and tomorrow--although this season is hard, God has promised He is with me and He is faithful and fully trustworthy.

The statutes you have laid down are righteous,

they are fully trustworthy.

Psalm 119:138

One Month

How are You?

It is hard to believe that Dennis has been gone for a month already.  At times it seems like yesterday and at others it seems like forever.  We both miss him so much.

I am asked often, “How are you doing?”  My most frequent response is, “It varies from day-to-day.”  I find myself going about life and then it will hit me and it is all so fresh and painful again.  I recently went back to work and I find myself thinking often about talking something over with Dennis when I get home only to remember he won’t be there.  I miss that day-to-day interaction the most.  As time has passed, I find myself more and more lonely while at the same time having to pick-up and go on.  It is a strange place to be in life.

Brooklyn is doing well but misses her daddy a lot too.  We talk about him and at times that is easy and at other times it is difficult.  Both of us journal and that is helping us too.  I think Brooklyn describes it well when she says, “I just don’t feel right.” It will take time to adjust and there will always be a huge hole in our hearts.

Am I Enough?

I have been pondering the question, “Am I enough?”  In other words, is God alone enough in my life or is a complete life dependent on having the right circumstances, people or things to be fulfilled and content?  To be honest, I struggled with this, especially early in Dennis’ illness.  I could not imagine moving forward with any sense of completeness without him.  It was a real battle in my soul.  I remember distinctly a point at which I looked to God and prayed that He would do with Dennis as he chose and that I would trust Him to care for me regardless of the outcome.  It was a turning point for me in knowing God was indeed enough to make my life complete and to bring Him honor and glory.
This, by no means, means  I don’t miss Dennis or wish we could have grown old together.  I will miss him every day until we are once again reunited in eternity.  It is helping me to live expectantly for what is ahead.  I do not want to live like the best part of my life is over and only look backward.  I will always cherish the years we had together but I am also choosing to look ahead with faith that God has much in store for me in the years ahead.  I have seen Him work in miraculous ways during Dennis’ illness and I can hardly wait to see what God has in store for the future.

Is God enough?  Yes, a thousand times yes!